Okay, it's time to reveal the secret that could devastate the very foundation of mankind. Since 1999, the Senators have been great contenders entering the playoffs. All seven times, their dream of holding hockey's holy grail has died. I call those teams the Seven Deadly Sens.
Our hockey team has created works of art, worthy of the Louvre, during the regular season. But unfortunately, no one has been able to unlock the mystery of the Senators. No one has found the key to a glorius future. Until now. Let this be John Muckler's road map to Sens' salvation via free agency.
I give you the Da Stevie Code. The code is based on hidden transcript in the emails of TGOR's regular listeners through the years.
For example, when you hold a candle up to Marko with a 'K's latest email, you see the numbers 1-12-84 in the corner. I didn't understand it. But then it hit me. I'm pretty sure that's the birthday of Buzz's date. Buzz's date has short hair like Meg Ryan. Ryan co-starred in many movies with Tom Hanks. Hanks lent his voice to Toy Story, a movie by the animation company, Pixar. Pixar also did a Bug's Life. In that film, the charatcer Hopper was voiced by Kevin Spacey. Spacey plays Lex Luthor in the upcoming film Superman Returns. Superman wore a cape and the word cape rearranged spells the answer to the Senators second line centre riddle. Cape. Epac? Pace? PECA! OF COURSE! Mike Peca? WHY DIDN'T I SEE THIS BEFORE????
The "Da Stevie Code", in all its glory, also spelled out other free agent signings that will solve this maddening riddle. I would share more details of the code breaking with you but I'm afraid you'd find it just too thrilling.
The code indicates the Senator roster should look like this next season. Free agent signing are in bold type.
Left Wing: Dany Heatley, Brendan Shanahan, Peter Schaefer, Ville Niemenen
Centremen: Jason Spezza, Mike Peca, Mike Fisher, Antoine Vermette
Right Wing: Daniel Alfredsson, Martin Havlat, Chris Neil, Eaves/McGrattan
Defence: Zdeno Chara, Brendan Witt, Jay McKee, Chris Phillips, Andrej Meszaros and AntonVolchenkov/Brian Pothier
Goalie: Curtis Joseph, Ray Emery
That means we say goodbye to Wade Redden, Vaclav Varada, Brian Smolinski, Chris Kelly and Christoph Schubert.
I'm sure you have questions. But never second guess the code. I know it's controversial. There will be groups enraged by the release of the code. But you have to admit, if John Muckler follows it, you cover off a lot of the Sens' missing ingredients. And, unlike the movie of similar name, you aren't annoying a higher power.
Like we haven't been smited enough already by the Sabres and Leafs.
Fantastic! A crush of emails with folks all riled up about the above entry! I don't blame them. This is serious business. Wait until tomorrow when I post my Senator free agent choices based on tea leaves, astrology and tarot cards.
That should really annoy people.