The Touchy Subject of Weight Gain

Let’s dip into the ol’ mail bag today and see what the good readers have come up with.

Dear Steve,

My wife has gotten enormous. How can I tell her she’s too fat without having her getting suicidal or homicidal or some kind of ‘cidal?

Shawn

Dear Shawn,

Well, I’m the wrong guy to ask. You know my story - H.M.H.W. But I do recall a Maxim article I read recently that provided all the answers you need. Best of all, the answers came from women, volunteering the etiquette involved in asking your lady to de-chunk. Not surprisingly the following statements didn't make the cut again this year: “You’re so fat that when you step on the bathroom scale it reads 'to be continued'” and “You look pregnant. Are ya?” Some gals are so sensitive.

1. Pack it In
“When you can’t get your suitcase to close, ask her to sit on it. The pressure from her weight will close the suitcase, and the embarrassment will get her to the gym faster than she can scarf down a third slice of pizza.”—Sandra, 30

2. Get Physical
“Invite her to work out with you. If she’s competitive, you can suggest some sort of fitness challenge. Just be sure to make it seem as though you’re the one who needs the work and not her.”—Candida, 26

3. Use the Tube
“Watch Celebrity Fit Club with her and casually ask if she would ever consider it.”—Deborah, 24

4. Skirt the Issue
“Tell her that the black dress (the one she uses to hide her belly and ass) looks much better on her than the red halter dress that doesn’t flatter her. Flatter is always a good word to use—it doesn’t mean fat but definitely gives the impression that she should think about what she wears and, in this case, how much she carries.”—Sigal, 27

5. Avoid the Truth
“I have been through this issue with boyfriends before, and it’s always dicey. Probably the best thing to do is go the other way—lie and say I’ve lost weight and look really good, just to encourage me more.”—Ashley, 27

6. Go Hollywood
“I think Bruce Willis was pretty smooth with that line from Pulp Fiction when his girlfriend says she wants to grow a big potbelly. Bruce asks her, ‘Do you think men would find that attractive?’ He doesn’t actually mention himself in the question, though, which is the diplomatic part.”—Amanda, 26

If the Glove Don't Fit, You Must Zap IT

Minnesota Twins center fielder Torii Hunter has an interesting superstition. When he fails to make a defensive play, he punishes his baseball glove. He takes the glove and jams it in the microwave for 30 seconds. If he makes an error, the glove gets zapped for a full two minutes.

There’s a fine line between madness and genius. Try and put aside your 100 per cent certainty that Torii’s a freak. When you do that, you’ll begin to understand why it’s such a great idea.

If you **** things up, take it out on your equipment. See? Bill Buckner would have felt much better if he’d taken an assault rifle to his glove. Patrick Lalime could have mercilessly stabbed his unruly, Game 7 killin’ goalie pads. And, after two or three regrettable video blogs now, I could dip my producer’s camera in a reasonably sized vat of acid.

Oh, the possibilities are endless.